Rosanne Austin reveals why 'trying harder' is failing high-achieving women on their fertility journey. She introduces the concept of soft power - an approach based on alignment, emotional regulation, and receptivity rather than force and exhaustion.
Rosanne opens by challenging the core assumption that trying harder leads to fertility success. Drawing from her prosecutor background, she explains how force-based approaches of pushing, striving, and exhaustion actually work against fertility rather than supporting it.
Soft power is introduced as alignment, emotional regulation, clarity, and receptivity - not passivity. Rosanne explains this is about influence rather than force, regulation without rigidity, and authority without aggression, creating a regenerative rather than depleting approach.
The episode explores how hypervigilance signals danger to the nervous system, potentially suppressing reproductive function through chronic cortisol exposure. This scientific backing explains why force-based approaches can be counterproductive for fertility.
Rosanne contrasts the woman stuck in force (feeling things happen to her, constant battle) with the woman leveraging soft power (seeing herself as leader, not needing guarantees, trusting her decision-making). This represents a fundamental identity transformation.
A practical assessment helps listeners identify if they're trapped in force-based patterns like feeling behind, panicking at symptoms, or constantly worrying. The episode concludes with encouragement to examine fears about adopting soft power approaches.
“Soft power is about alignment, it's about emotional regulation, it's about clarity, it's about vision, it's also about receptivity and influence.”
— Rosanne Austin▶ 3:54
Soft power in fertility is about alignment, emotional regulation, clarity, vision, receptivity and influence rather than force, aggression, or exhaustion. It's a regenerative approach that makes you feel alive and clear instead of depleted.
“If trying harder were the answer, you'd already be pregnant.”
— Rosanne Austin▶ 0:51
Trying harder doesn't work because force brings struggle and is the antithesis of what brings about fertility. Hypervigilance signals lack of safety to your nervous system, and chronic stress can suppress reproductive function.
“you spend so much time constantly worried about what is going to happen next. It's like walking through your life holding your breath.”
— Rosanne Austin▶ 18:23
Signs you're stuck in force include feeling behind, panicking at every symptom, not enjoying life, constantly saying 'I'll be happy when', feeling guilty about rest, and constantly worrying about what happens next.
“A woman who is leveraging soft power on this journey doesn't need guarantees. She understands that she and her decision making is her guarantee on this journey.”
— Rosanne Austin▶ 8:07
Force involves hustle, fighting harder, feeling like everything is a battle, and that things are happening to you. Soft power means not needing guarantees, being open and receptive, making calm decisions, and seeing yourself as the leader of your journey.
“We know that hypervigilance signals a lack of safety to your nervous system. When your nervous system believes that it's unsafe, what does the science tell us? Our reproductive systems can become suppressed when we have cortisol shooting through our veins for an extended period of time”
— Rosanne Austin▶ 8:53
Hypervigilance signals lack of safety to your nervous system, and when the nervous system believes it's unsafe, reproductive systems can become suppressed through chronic cortisol exposure, especially affecting women who've done multiple IVF rounds.
A diagnostic and approach for moving from exhausting force-based fertility approaches to regenerative soft power
Recognize Force Patterns
Check if you feel behind, panic at symptoms, can't enjoy life, constantly say 'I'll be happy when', feel guilty resting, or constantly worry about what's next
Understand the Biology
Recognize that hypervigilance signals danger to your nervous system, potentially suppressing reproductive function through chronic cortisol
Shift Your Identity
Move from seeing yourself as someone things happen to, to being the leader of your journey who takes responsibility
Practice Soft Power
Focus on alignment, emotional regulation, clarity, receptivity and influence rather than force and control
Examine Your Fears
Write out what scares you about soft power and whether you believe you can get what you want through clarity and alignment rather than exhaustion
If trying harder were the answer to fertility success, women would already be pregnant - the issue isn't lack of effort but the wrong approach
Women featured on the Fearlessly Fertile podcast who succeeded were told they had less than 1% chances and couldn't get pregnant with their own eggs, yet conceived by shifting away from force-based approaches.
Soft power is about alignment, emotional regulation, clarity, vision, receptivity and influence - not about being passive or giving up
Every woman who appeared on the Fearlessly Fertile podcast exercised soft power by ending the pushing and desperation of force and stepping into influence, clarity, certainty, and faith.
Force brings struggle and is the antithesis of what brings about fertility, while soft power is regenerative and makes you feel alive and clear
Rosanne Austin conceived naturally at 43 after years of treatment failure by moving away from her prosecutor mentality of 'crush it' and force-based approaches.
Hypervigilance signals lack of safety to your nervous system, and when the nervous system believes it's unsafe, reproductive systems can become suppressed through chronic cortisol
This biological reality especially affects women who've done multiple rounds of IVF, are otherwise healthy, and are still not getting and staying pregnant despite optimization efforts.
Soft power is a version of higher order control - control through alignment rather than pressure and striving
Women finding success quicker under circumstances they were told were not possible are regulating their nervous systems and shifting identity from labels like 'infertile, too old, too late' to being the woman who can.
A woman leveraging soft power doesn't need guarantees - she understands that she and her decision making is her guarantee on this journey
Many women, including Rosanne Austin who conceived naturally at 43, speak of just knowing that all the doom and gloom wasn't their story and allowing intuition to drive them.
The woman walking with soft power sees herself as a leader on her journey, not somebody that things are just happening to
This contrasts with force-based approaches where women feel things are happening to them, signaling victim mentality, versus taking full responsibility and walking with ease.
If trying harder were the answer to fertility success, women would already be pregnant - the issue isn't lack of effort but the wrong approach
▶ 0:51Soft power is about alignment, emotional regulation, clarity, vision, receptivity and influence - not about being passive or giving up
▶ 3:54Force brings struggle and is the antithesis of what brings about fertility, while soft power is regenerative and makes you feel alive and clear
▶ 5:05Hypervigilance signals lack of safety to your nervous system, and when the nervous system believes it's unsafe, reproductive systems can become suppressed through chronic cortisol
▶ 8:53Soft power is a version of higher order control - control through alignment rather than pressure and striving
▶ 10:15A woman leveraging soft power doesn't need guarantees - she understands that she and her decision making is her guarantee on this journey
▶ 8:07The woman walking with soft power sees herself as a leader on her journey, not somebody that things are just happening to
▶ 14:11“Trying harder and pushing more will lead to fertility success”
CONSIDER: If trying harder were the answer, you'd already be pregnant - success comes from soft power, not force
“Power means force, aggression, overwork, and exhaustion”
CONSIDER: Soft power is about alignment, emotional regulation, receptivity and influence - it's regenerative, not depleting
“Self doubt makes you stronger and more realistic”
CONSIDER: The woman leveraging soft power doesn't indulge self doubt - she sees herself as powerful and takes responsibility
“If trying harder were the answer, you'd already be pregnant.”
“Force brings struggle, and force is the antithesis of what brings about fertility.”
“Soft power is influence, not force. It is regulation without rigidity. It is authority without aggression. It is receptivity without collapse.”
“A woman who is leveraging soft power on this journey doesn't need guarantees. She understands that she and her decision making is her guarantee on this journey.”
“Soft power isn't weakness. It's the ability to remain regulated when the road ahead seems uncertain.”
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Conditions
Frameworks & Methods
Common Beliefs
Worthiness issues from earlier relationships directly impact fertility journey outcomes and decision-making patterns.
Liz spent 10 years in an unhealthy relationship telling herself she didn't want kids rather than facing the reality, then ghosted her future husband because she couldn't believe he liked her for who she was. These same worthiness patterns showed up as immediately running to IVF after one miscarriage at 41.
The way you do one thing is the way you do everything - relationship patterns will show up in your fertility journey.
Liz's pattern of feeling unworthy in her relationship (ghosting her husband because she couldn't believe he liked her) directly translated to feeling inadequate about conceiving and immediately seeking medical intervention after one miscarriage instead of trusting her body.
Women who beat the odds on their fertility journey have their eye on the long game - they are tenacious, committed, and not easily spooked by disappointments or setbacks
Rosanne conceived naturally at 43 after years of fertility treatment failure by applying this principle. She invested an embarrassing amount of time feeling sorry for herself before shifting to long-term strategic thinking.
Successful women on the fertility journey aren't doing the hokey pokey with motherhood - they put both feet in and keep them planted there, refusing to leave without their baby
Rosanne emphasizes that women who succeed understand motherhood is a calling they feel in their soul and are willing to commit fully, unlike those who waiver with each setback.
