Jon shares his journey from being resistant to having another baby with his wife Kirsty to becoming completely invested in their fertility journey. He reveals how his mindset shifted from focusing on what he'd lose to what their family would gain, and how Kirsty's work with Rosanne transformed their relationship dynamics during their fertility struggles.
Kirsty· natural· Baby boyBefore
Caught in blame cycles, feeling pressure of time and age, experiencing monthly anger toward her partner for delaying their journey
Key Shift
Reframed negative thought patterns and stopped the blame cycle with her partner
After
Became more positive, stopped attacking her partner, and created space for him to show up supportively
Jon opens up about his initial resistance to having another baby with Kirsty, explaining how he focused on potential losses rather than gains. He shares the complexity of blended family life and how his mindset eventually shifted to full commitment.
Jon reveals how monthly disappointments led to blame cycles that made him withdraw emotionally just when Kirsty needed support most. He describes feeling guilt for delaying their journey and how this affected their relationship dynamics.
Jon explains his initial skepticism about Rosanne's coaching but came to see how professional support provided what he couldn't as a biased partner. He witnessed Kirsty's transformation and how it improved their entire relationship.
Jon shares specific examples of meaningful support he provided, from advocating during medical appointments to handling difficult clinic communications. He emphasizes that small acts can make huge differences when women struggle to ask for help.
“Ask them if there's something that you can do. And a few times, you'll get you might get it back at you going, well, you've done enough, haven't you, or whatever whatever. But keep asking and keep saying, I wanna do something to help you.”
— Jon▶ 45:00
Men can support by advocating during medical appointments, handling administrative tasks like clinic calls, doing whatever medical testing is required, and repeatedly asking how they can help even if initially refused.
“unless you can know that you're up for it, you've gotta be up for it because it's hard”
— Jon▶ 25:06
Men should take time to honestly examine whether they're focusing on what they'll lose versus what they'll gain. Don't rush the decision, but once you're truly ready, commit fully because fertility journeys require complete partnership.
“if someone like, I hate being in trouble... then I just go into my shell. And then the things that I can do, like being supportive, being understanding, being empathetic, like, are really hard to do when you're, like, you've been dressed in kevlar”
— Jon▶ 29:00
Blame creates defensive cycles where partners withdraw just when support is needed most. It makes men shut down emotionally and prevents them from showing up as advocates and supporters for their wives.
“when it then it's the woman's job. Do they wanna ask for help from a man? No. Because this is my job. This is what I do. This is what this is my biological purpose in in in life.”
— Jon▶ 48:00
Strong, accomplished women often view fertility as 'fundamentally a woman's job' biologically, so struggling to conceive feels like failing at their core purpose. This makes asking for help feel like admitting weakness or inadequacy.
“being able to reframe how you look at some of what's happened and find successes and find things to to life boys to hang on to that are are positive pieces of news and things like that, I think, is really, really important”
— Jon▶ 38:24
Objective coaching helps break negative thought cycles and reframe the journey in ways that partners can't provide because their perspective gets dismissed as biased. This creates openness that can lead to natural conception even on the eve of medical treatment.
Practical steps men can take to show up powerfully for their partners during fertility challenges
Do what's in your power
Get sperm testing, change diet, stop drinking, lose weight - whatever medical or lifestyle changes are recommended, do them without complaint
Advocate during medical appointments
Speak up when doctors are dismissive or rushing through procedures. Set boundaries about proceeding on your timeline, not the clinic's
Handle administrative tasks
Make difficult phone calls to clinics, chase up appointments, deal with insurance - take these stressful tasks off your partner's plate
Keep asking how to help
Repeatedly ask what you can do to support, even if initially refused. Say 'I don't need an answer now, just think about it' to reduce pressure
Focus on gains not losses
Reframe your thinking from what having a baby will take away to what it will bring to your family and relationship
Men often focus on what they'll lose by having a baby rather than what the family will gain, which creates resistance and delays starting the fertility journey
Jon delayed trying for two years because he focused on loss of sleep, complications with existing children, and added stress rather than considering what a baby would bring to their blended family.
The guilt and blame cycle between partners can shut down communication and support, making men withdraw when they need to show up most
Jon describes how monthly blame cycles made him 'dress in kevlar and put shutters up' because he felt under attack for delaying their journey, which prevented him from being supportive when Kirsty needed him most.
Men can be powerful advocates and protectors during fertility treatment by speaking up when their partners can't advocate for themselves
Jon stood up to a dismissive fertility doctor who was rushing Kirsty through a procedure, telling the medical team they would proceed on their timeline, not the clinic's timeline.
Small acts of support and repeatedly asking how to help can make huge differences for women on fertility journeys, even when they initially refuse help
Jon's simple acts like making difficult phone calls to fertility clinics and advocating during medical appointments became 'one of the biggest things' he did for Kirsty during their journey.
Having an objective coach helps women reframe negative cycles and find positives, which men can't provide because their perspective gets dismissed as biased
Jon explains that when he tried to be positive, Kirsty would dismiss it as something 'you have to say because you have to keep me happy,' but Rosanne's objective perspective was valued and effective.
Men need to do whatever is in their power to support the fertility journey, no matter how small, because what's asked of them is much less than what's asked of their partners
Jon stopped drinking, changed diet, lost weight, and did sperm testing, emphasizing that men should 'man up' and do these relatively easy things compared to what women endure.
Strong women on fertility journeys struggle to ask for help because they see procreation as 'fundamentally a woman's job' and asking for help feels like admitting failure
Jon observed that successful women like Kirsty find it especially hard to ask for help with fertility because 'women are on this earth to procreate' and when they can't do it naturally, asking for help feels like admitting they're failing at their biological purpose.
A baby becomes the connecting force that brings blended families together and creates lasting bonds between all the children
Jon describes how their son Wilfred became 'the glue' connecting all their children from previous relationships, noting that 'when they see Wolfie, their faces light up' and he will be what connects all the kids when the parents are gone.
Men often focus on what they'll lose by having a baby rather than what the family will gain, which creates resistance and delays starting the fertility journey
▶ 4:59The guilt and blame cycle between partners can shut down communication and support, making men withdraw when they need to show up most
▶ 27:18Men can be powerful advocates and protectors during fertility treatment by speaking up when their partners can't advocate for themselves
▶ 44:00Small acts of support and repeatedly asking how to help can make huge differences for women on fertility journeys, even when they initially refuse help
▶ 45:00Having an objective coach helps women reframe negative cycles and find positives, which men can't provide because their perspective gets dismissed as biased
▶ 39:36Men need to do whatever is in their power to support the fertility journey, no matter how small, because what's asked of them is much less than what's asked of their partners
▶ 41:00Strong women on fertility journeys struggle to ask for help because they see procreation as 'fundamentally a woman's job' and asking for help feels like admitting failure
▶ 48:00A baby becomes the connecting force that brings blended families together and creates lasting bonds between all the children
▶ 27:00“Having another baby in a complicated blended family situation will only add stress and take away from existing children”
CONSIDER: A baby becomes the connecting force that brings the whole family together and creates joy that wouldn't exist otherwise
“Men should just stay positive and supportive during fertility struggles to help their partners”
CONSIDER: Men's attempts at positivity get dismissed as biased, but they can provide powerful advocacy and take concrete supportive actions
“unless you can know that you're up for it, you've gotta be up for it because it's hard”
“I was focusing on what I would lose from having another child rather than what I would gain”
“Ask them if there's something that you can do. And a few times, you'll get you might get it back at you going, well, you've done enough, haven't you, or whatever whatever. But keep asking and keep saying, I wanna do something to help you”
“when they see Wolfie, their faces light up”
“women are on this earth to procreate. Like like, we take it biologically. So so so your your job is to have a baby. So when it then it's the woman's job. Do they wanna ask for help from a man? No. Because this is my job.”
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Conditions
Frameworks & Methods
Common Beliefs
Statistics are not your destiny - you can choose to be an outlier rather than a statistic
Erika overcame stage 4 endometriosis, multiple failed IVF cycles, and a 0% chance of natural conception to conceive naturally at 31 after 9 years of trying.
Fertility challenges transcend age - you can have the diagnosis of someone in their fifties while in your twenties
Erika was told at 29 that her AMH and egg counts were like those of a 50-year-old, yet she still conceived naturally at 31.
Secondary infertility creates unique isolation because you don't fit into either the 'can't conceive' club or the 'conceive easily' club, leading to shame and guilt about wanting more
Somaya experienced secondary infertility after her first son, enduring three ectopic pregnancies and multiple miscarriages while feeling guilty about not being grateful for her existing child.
Successful professionals often fail to apply their strategic thinking to fertility, instead relying on hope rather than creating a comprehensive plan with experts and resources
Somaya, a top legal recruiter in London, realized she would strategically involve experts for professional challenges but was just 'living on a prayer and hope' for her fertility journey.
